By JP
Day 7 of my week of every day posts and today I want to talk about trust. My addiction destroyed trust. I didn’t even trust myself. I know that the trust my wife had before my addiction came out is long gone and will never come back. My wife will never trust me the same naive way that she did in the past. I have accepted that she has a different trust now.
Continue reading “Sunday – Trust”By JP
It’s day 6 of my week of daily blog posts. Today I’m going to talk about change. Change is one of the hardest things to do. It is never too late to make the necessary changes in your life.
It doesn’t matter how many years you have been enslaved by your addiction. Change is always possible if you truly want it. You must be willing to let go of all the unhealthy habits that fuel your addiction. It will not be easy, but as long as you keep moving forward you can change your life for the better. I am not the same person that I used to be. I’m a better person and better husband now.
By JP
It’s day 5 of my week of every day posts and I want to write about faith. My faith is stronger than ever now. But that was not always the case. I let my addiction not only get between me and my wife, but also between me and my faith. It drove a wedge between my belief in God and made me doubt His love. I rediscovered my faith in 2014 and I was baptized. My faith was stronger than my addiction. I wish I could say that I prayed it away, but it doesn’t work that way. I never dealt with the root cause of my addiction and it slowly crept back in. By 2019, my faith was severely lacking. I believed that I was bad and there was no hope for me. In this state my addiction thrived with my false beliefs.
I don’t know the exact point that it changed, but once I made the choice to change, my faith became stronger each day. I realized that I could never pray it away, but I could pray for strength to seek help. I found a 12 step group. I found a therapist to help me resolve the root cause of my addiction. I found other Godly men. Throughout my journey God put people in my path that helped me fight this addiction and change the man that I once was.
By JP
Day 4 of my week of everyday posts. I’m tired today, both mentally and physically. It has been a long stressful week at work and there’s still one more day left in the work week. I have a long weekend ahead of me, then back to work next Monday. In the past this would have been the perfect combination to act out.
Continue reading “Thursday – I’m Tired”By JP
Day 3 and I am going to write about my maturity. I was a full grown adult man so why wasn’t I mature? Once the fog of my of my addiction was lifted and I got to the root cause, I realized the truth. My early exposure to porn stunted my maturity. Instead of maturing in a normal manner, I became stuck at about 13. My body changed but my mind did not.
Continue reading “Wednesday – Maturity”By JP
Day two of my week of posting every day. Today I’m going to look at secrets. My addiction was wrapped in the secrets that I kept. I couldn’t tell anyone my shameful secrets. They became a cancer that rotted me from the inside.
Continue reading “Tuesday – Secrets”I told my wife that I was going to write a post every day this week. I had no specific topic. I just wanted to write about what ever came to my heart.
I’m not the same person that I was 2 years ago. I have resolved my childhood trauma and it has no power over me. I try to be a better person and better husband everyday. My life is better than it has ever been. I love my wife more than ever. I have a positive connection with my daughter and my granddaughter. I am more mature as a man and I no longer have poor coping skills. I am not too proud to admit when I am wrong. I have a good job where I can have a positive influence on people.
Life has its challenges, but I am able to face them and deal with them in a healthy manner. I know that there is freedom from this addiction and nothing will ever make me want to return to that broken way of living. My journey has not been easy, but nothing worthwhile ever is. I want to be able to share my message of hope and freedom to all those who want to change their lives.
By JP
I have just finished reading The Great Sex Rescue by Sheila Wray Gregoire. I was introduced to her podcast by my wife. I was drawn to her message that certain books have hurt marriages by their polluted messages.
Continue reading “The Wrong Message”By JP
In my recovery journey I have continuously come across the false theory that men are wired visually. Men are therefore not capable of controlling themselves around women. Every day we must navigate through a maze of land mines because the sight of a woman causes us to become bumbling idiots. We can’t help this because this is how God wired us. I do not believe this poor excuse for being a man. God created us in his image. I don’t believe that he created man with this debilitating impediment. This is a fool’s excuse to be less than a man. I am not an animal that cannot control his behavior. I am not powerless. I am in control of myself. I choose to be a Godly man that honors his wife. I challenge all men to wake up and be the men that God created in his image.
By JP
I don’t understand why this is so hard yet so simple. I am not the person that I used to be. I made the choice to make the changes and work on being the husband that my wife always deserved. It wasn’t easy, but nothing worthwhile ever is. My old life was toxic and it infected those around me. My life now is much better than it ever was. The choice to make the changes was easy. The work to make the changes was a challenge, but not impossible. Why are other men stuck in the process? Why do other men believe that they are wired differently and can’t change? There’s no secret or magic formula. It takes time and deliberate work to change your life and live in freedom. It takes having a vision of the life that you want to have and making it happen.
By JP
I believe that the only true way to recovery is the hard way. I have come to understand that my addiction was created due to my inability to deal with life. I learned to escape my painful emotions by filling my head with unhealthy garbage. Even after I understood that I had a problem, I never really faced it. I did just enough to get by and fool myself into believing I was better. I even had a therapist tell me I was cured.
Continue reading “The Hard Road”By JP
I can never forget the awful person that I used to be. I don’t want to ever forget it because going back to that old broken life is not an option. I see what I have done and how it is still affecting my wife. We are starting our third year on this journey of recovery. Our marriage is better than it has ever been. We have the connection that God designed us to have as husband and wife. Things are better but there are still triggers for her.
Continue reading “Triggers”By JP
I have reached a point in my life where I can look back and see who I used to be. I don’t like the person, but I am no longer that person. I made the hard choice of making a permanent life change. My previous life was influenced by my addiction and it was broken. I gave up that life and made the choice to do whatever it took to live a healthy life. I didn’t do it alone. My wife was with me and never gave up on me. I do not identify as an addict. I am a husband, father, grandfather, son, brother, and friend. I do not deny or will I ever forget my past, but it doesn’t define who I am.
By JP
I have not posted in a while because things are good. My recovery has been positive and I am not the person that I used to be.
Continue reading “Recovery Update”By JP
I have spent most of my life lying about things. I’m not sure when it all began, but it went hand in hand with my maladaptive coping skills. I believe that I lied to myself as much as I lied to everyone else. My lies fed my false beliefs and kept me emotionally stunted. I am not proud nor am I bragging about my ability to lie. I became so good at it that I could make things up in an instant. I chose a profession where my ability to make things up quickly was an asset.
Continue reading “Honesty”By JP
I realize that it is a challenge to believe our recovery has progressed this far this quick. When we first started it was all doom and gloom. There were no positive stories. We believed that we were stuck with this addiction and that I was going to have to live the rest of my life surrendering and attending meetings. This is not how we wanted to spend the rest of our lives.
Continue reading “Too good to be true”
By JP
We are almost a year and nine months into this journey of recovery. At this time last year we didn’t know if it would be our last Christmas.
Continue reading “Progressive Hope”By JP:
My wife asked me to share my thoughts on the full disclosure process. Initially it scared the heck out of me. I had spent all my life lying and manipulating. Now I had to tell the truth and tell her everything.
Continue reading “Disclosure”When writing or talking about his recovery from sex addiction, JP always mentions how his CSAT helped him resolve his childhood trauma. So why would a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist treat childhood trauma? Why wasn’t she focusing on his porn use and other acting out behaviors? I decided to make this post a Q&A to help explain those answers.
Continue reading “Why do we talk about childhood trauma?”By JP
I have reached a point in my recovery where I have more clarity. I have made it this far by making drastic changes to my way of living. The addict’s dream is to move on and get back to normal. “Let’s focus on the future and forget the past.” Forgive and forget was a common theme. All of these were lies and part of the denial in active addiction.
Continue reading “Normal”By JP
My wife had questions this evening about a specific acing out incident. I immediately stopped what I was doing and gave her my full attention. I answered her questions to the best of my ability. I fully owned what I did and expressed my sorrow for causing her pain. I can never change what I did but I can be present in the moment and hold her pain. This has been a major changing point in my recovery.
Continue reading “Getting it out and beating it up”By JP
I have reached a point in my recovery where I am free of my addiction. I can look back and see with some clarity how I got here and why I am in a good place now. I stopped my acting out over a year and a half ago. Stopping was easy, I had done it many times before. Staying stopped was a whole different battle.
Continue reading “Stopping”By JP
I have come to see the pain that I have caused my wife over the years. I lied, manipulated, and gas lighted her for years. I was not mature enough to see the consequences of my actions. There is no excuse for my behavior. I chose to live a life of lies and deceit. I never imagined that it would cause her so much pain.
Continue reading “Trauma”By JP
Relapse is a word that is used way too often in recovery. Early on in my recovery my wife and I agreed that that there was no room for relapse in recovery. Relapse is just another excuse for more betrayal trauma. It’s a built in excuse to act out. It is part of the addiction cycle and not part of recovery. True recovery is getting to the root cause and resolving it. We must face our trauma that led us to our addiction and kill it. I have done this and my addiction is no longer part of my life. I have found freedom in my new healthy way of living.
By JP
I have been on this journey of recovery for over a year now. I have a 12 step online support group that I attend weekly. My 12 step group has helped me develop healthy connections. The one aspect of the 12 step group that I didn’t understand was the surrendering. I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life surrendering lustful thoughts.
Continue reading “Surrendering”As I have progressed through my recovery I have become a different person. I have made changes in my life that have led to a healthier way of living. A little over a year ago I was tired of the way I was living and the trauma that I was causing my wife. I chose to stop watching all television. I got rid of all social media and limited my use of the internet. I didn’t know the long term affect that it would have on my recovery.
Continue ReadingBy JP
I am not alone nor will I ever be. My journey through recovery has showed me that the opposite of addiction is connection. I chose to isolate myself a long time ago when I was a child. I developed a false belief that I was alone and I could never ask for help. I developed a false belief that asking for help was a sign of weakness. A year ago I found myself alone in a crowded world.
Continue ReadingBy JP
When I started this journey last year, I didn’t understand my addiction. I thought is was as simple as me being a bad person who wanted to watch men and women have sex. I didn’t have the capacity to understand the full extent of my addiction and how it hurt my wife. Fortunately my wife kept pushing me to get to the “why” of my addiction.
Continue ReadingBy JP
A year ago I did not have the ability to forgive myself. I hated myself and the awful things that I had done. I finally saw the price that my addiction had cost. It was in the pain and trauma that I put my wife through. I finally got the bill for my addiction and my wife had to pay it. How could I ever be forgiven for what I had done? There was not enough pain and punishment for my sin.
Continue ReadingMy wife is the most beautiful woman in the world. My addiction tainted my view of my wife and kept me from seeing her beauty. My addiction kept me in a place of shame and darkness and I couldn’t see my wife for who she was. My first major step was by letting go of my illusion of control. Once I brought out my addiction to the light it began to lose power. I started to tell the truth. It was painful to tell my wife how much I manipulated and lied during our marriage.
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