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Stepping Off The Hot Coals

By KM

I finally feel at peace. I’ve been in therapy for almost two years. One year and eleven months, to be exact. When I told my trauma therapist that I feel peace and that all the mental background chatter has stopped, she said it’s like I’ve been walking on hot coals for the past two years with very intense therapy sessions and now I’ve finally stepped off.

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Sunday – Trust

By JP

Day 7 of my week of every day posts and today I want to talk about trust. My addiction destroyed trust. I didn’t even trust myself. I know that the trust my wife had before my addiction came out is long gone and will never come back. My wife will never trust me the same naive way that she did in the past. I have accepted that she has a different trust now.

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Saturday – Change

By JP

It’s day 6 of my week of daily blog posts. Today I’m going to talk about change. Change is one of the hardest things to do. It is never too late to make the necessary changes in your life.

It doesn’t matter how many years you have been enslaved by your addiction. Change is always possible if you truly want it. You must be willing to let go of all the unhealthy habits that fuel your addiction. It will not be easy, but as long as you keep moving forward you can change your life for the better. I am not the same person that I used to be. I’m a better person and better husband now.

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Friday – Faith

By JP

It’s day 5 of my week of every day posts and I want to write about faith. My faith is stronger than ever now. But that was not always the case. I let my addiction not only get between me and my wife, but also between me and my faith. It drove a wedge between my belief in God and made me doubt His love. I rediscovered my faith in 2014 and I was baptized. My faith was stronger than my addiction. I wish I could say that I prayed it away, but it doesn’t work that way. I never dealt with the root cause of my addiction and it slowly crept back in. By 2019, my faith was severely lacking. I believed that I was bad and there was no hope for me. In this state my addiction thrived with my false beliefs.

I don’t know the exact point that it changed, but once I made the choice to change, my faith became stronger each day. I realized that I could never pray it away, but I could pray for strength to seek help. I found a 12 step group. I found a therapist to help me resolve the root cause of my addiction. I found other Godly men. Throughout my journey God put people in my path that helped me fight this addiction and change the man that I once was.

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Wednesday – Maturity

By JP

Day 3 and I am going to write about my maturity. I was a full grown adult man so why wasn’t I mature? Once the fog of my of my addiction was lifted and I got to the root cause, I realized the truth. My early exposure to porn stunted my maturity. Instead of maturing in a normal manner, I became stuck at about 13. My body changed but my mind did not.

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Monday – What is my outlook on life today?

I told my wife that I was going to write a post every day this week. I had no specific topic. I just wanted to write about what ever came to my heart.

I’m not the same person that I was 2 years ago. I have resolved my childhood trauma and it has no power over me. I try to be a better person and better husband everyday. My life is better than it has ever been. I love my wife more than ever. I have a positive connection with my daughter and my granddaughter. I am more mature as a man and I no longer have poor coping skills. I am not too proud to admit when I am wrong. I have a good job where I can have a positive influence on people.

Life has its challenges, but I am able to face them and deal with them in a healthy manner. I know that there is freedom from this addiction and nothing will ever make me want to return to that broken way of living. My journey has not been easy, but nothing worthwhile ever is. I want to be able to share my message of hope and freedom to all those who want to change their lives.

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In God’s Image

By JP

In my recovery journey I have continuously come across the false theory that men are wired visually. Men are therefore not capable of controlling themselves around women. Every day we must navigate through a maze of land mines because the sight of a woman causes us to become bumbling idiots. We can’t help this because this is how God wired us. I do not believe this poor excuse for being a man. God created us in his image. I don’t believe that he created man with this debilitating impediment. This is a fool’s excuse to be less than a man. I am not an animal that cannot control his behavior. I am not powerless. I am in control of myself. I choose to be a Godly man that honors his wife. I challenge all men to wake up and be the men that God created in his image.

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Unstuck

By JP

I don’t understand why this is so hard yet so simple. I am not the person that I used to be. I made the choice to make the changes and work on being the husband that my wife always deserved. It wasn’t easy, but nothing worthwhile ever is. My old life was toxic and it infected those around me. My life now is much better than it ever was. The choice to make the changes was easy. The work to make the changes was a challenge, but not impossible. Why are other men stuck in the process? Why do other men believe that they are wired differently and can’t change? There’s no secret or magic formula. It takes time and deliberate work to change your life and live in freedom. It takes having a vision of the life that you want to have and making it happen.

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The Hard Road

By JP

I believe that the only true way to recovery is the hard way. I have come to understand that my addiction was created due to my inability to deal with life. I learned to escape my painful emotions by filling my head with unhealthy garbage. Even after I understood that I had a problem, I never really faced it. I did just enough to get by and fool myself into believing I was better. I even had a therapist tell me I was cured.

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Triggers

By JP

I can never forget the awful person that I used to be. I don’t want to ever forget it because going back to that old broken life is not an option. I see what I have done and how it is still affecting my wife. We are starting our third year on this journey of recovery. Our marriage is better than it has ever been. We have the connection that God designed us to have as husband and wife. Things are better but there are still triggers for her.

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Who am I

By JP

I have reached a point in my life where I can look back and see who I used to be. I don’t like the person, but I am no longer that person. I made the hard choice of making a permanent life change. My previous life was influenced by my addiction and it was broken. I gave up that life and made the choice to do whatever it took to live a healthy life. I didn’t do it alone. My wife was with me and never gave up on me. I do not identify as an addict. I am a husband, father, grandfather, son, brother, and friend. I do not deny or will I ever forget my past, but it doesn’t define who I am.

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Honesty

By JP

I have spent most of my life lying about things. I’m not sure when it all began, but it went hand in hand with my maladaptive coping skills. I believe that I lied to myself as much as I lied to everyone else. My lies fed my false beliefs and kept me emotionally stunted. I am not proud nor am I bragging about my ability to lie. I became so good at it that I could make things up in an instant. I chose a profession where my ability to make things up quickly was an asset.

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Too good to be true

By JP

I realize that it is a challenge to believe our recovery has progressed this far this quick. When we first started it was all doom and gloom. There were no positive stories. We believed that we were stuck with this addiction and that I was going to have to live the rest of my life surrendering and attending meetings. This is not how we wanted to spend the rest of our lives.

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Why do we talk about childhood trauma?

When writing or talking about his recovery from sex addiction, JP always mentions how his CSAT helped him resolve his childhood trauma. So why would a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist treat childhood trauma? Why wasn’t she focusing on his porn use and other acting out behaviors? I decided to make this post a Q&A to help explain those answers.

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Spoon-fed Recovery

By KM

I’ve had a front row seat to watch my husband’s recovery journey. It wasn’t always smooth and the first few months included him breaking through denial of how just how bad his addiction was. Once he realized how much damage he’d done and found the resources for recovery, he dove in. But some addicts want to be spoon-fed their recovery without doing much work. You only get out of recovery what you put in to it.

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Normal

By JP

I have reached a point in my recovery where I have more clarity. I have made it this far by making drastic changes to my way of living. The addict’s dream is to move on and get back to normal. “Let’s focus on the future and forget the past.” Forgive and forget was a common theme. All of these were lies and part of the denial in active addiction.

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Getting it out and beating it up

By JP

My wife had questions this evening about a specific acing out incident. I immediately stopped what I was doing and gave her my full attention. I answered her questions to the best of my ability. I fully owned what I did and expressed my sorrow for causing her pain. I can never change what I did but I can be present in the moment and hold her pain. This has been a major changing point in my recovery.

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Relapse

By JP

Relapse is a word that is used way too often in recovery. Early on in my recovery my wife and I agreed that that there was no room for relapse in recovery. Relapse is just another excuse for more betrayal trauma. It’s a built in excuse to act out. It is part of the addiction cycle and not part of recovery. True recovery is getting to the root cause and resolving it. We must face our trauma that led us to our addiction and kill it. I have done this and my addiction is no longer part of my life. I have found freedom in my new healthy way of living.

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A New Marriage: The Wife’s Perspective

By KM

My husband and I had to start over with our marriage. We didn’t try to rebuild it, because the foundation was cracked and faulty. We had to tear it down and start from the beginning. Is our marriage better now? Yes. Would I go through all of this again to have a better marriage? No way. But this is where I’m at in life.

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Never Left Out

By KM

I feel like it’s been extremely beneficial for me and our marriage that my husband has included me in his recovery. JP never believed in “stay on your side of the street”. I’ve never read about or heard another wife who said it was beneficial for her addict husband to work his recovery while leaving her in the dark.

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