I finally feel at peace. I’ve been in therapy for almost two years. One year and eleven months, to be exact. When I told my trauma therapist that I feel peace and that all the mental background chatter has stopped, she said it’s like I’ve been walking on hot coals for the past two years with very intense therapy sessions and now I’ve finally stepped off.
In the beginning, I would sometimes have two EMDR sessions per week. If you’ve never done EMDR for trauma, I’ll describe it as intense. Sometimes my therapist would have to remind me to breathe. Very often I cried. It’s amazing to learn how we store trauma in our bodies and to feel that being released during a session. Often it would make me tired. It’s emotionally draining, but it’s worth every second.
When I say the background chatter is gone, I’m referring to the constant barrage of negative thoughts, questions, and hyper-vigilance that accompanies betrayal trauma. If you’re the addict, please understand that your spouse or significant other lives every waking moment in torment after discovery or disclosure. It would stop when I went to sleep, although I’ve heard others say it invades their sleep via nightmares. I knew I felt crazy, but I didn’t know just how bad it really was until it stopped. I finally got an answer and clarification about something I’ve been asking my husband. There was quiet and my mind wasn’t filled with constant worry and questions. I wasn’t replaying conversations or scenarios over and over. I went shopping with a friend and I wasn’t constantly scanning for threats. I can concentrate better at work. I almost feel “normal” again. I wish it hadn’t taken this long, but here I am off the hot coals and feeling the grass beneath my feet.