By JP
My wife had questions this evening about a specific acing out incident. I immediately stopped what I was doing and gave her my full attention. I answered her questions to the best of my ability. I fully owned what I did and expressed my sorrow for causing her pain. I can never change what I did but I can be present in the moment and hold her pain. This has been a major changing point in my recovery.
A year ago I would have been defensive and my shame would have surfaced. I would have made it about me and not about her pain. I would have denied, minimized it, and gaslighted her. Early on, my addict didn’t want to go back to the past and talk about things. I wanted to close my eyes and forget about it. I wanted to move on and focus on the future.
The reality was that I had never learned how to deal with painful emotions. I learned to escape, cope, and numb instead of facing the pain. This was a horrible way to go through life and it has caused my wife much pain and trauma. I have come a long way in my recovery. I have learned to turn and face my painful emotions. Whenever my wife gets triggered or has a question, everything stops. It doesn’t matter what I am doing, because at that moment there is nothing more important than my wife. I have come up with saying for this. I call it “getting it out and beating it up”. It sounds silly but it the easiest way for me to describe the process. We are in a better place now because I am being a decent husband to my wife.
I read this post awhile ago (before I had the ability to comment). I appreciated the insight and the honesty. Reading it now again, I wish it were the first group reading in every SA, SAA, and other 12-Step group for sex addicts. The message is golden and it will NEVER get old. Thank you.
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Thank you for reading my ramblings. Sometimes I feel like no one ever reads them. It took hard work and time to get me to where I could face what I had done. I was also able to see the pain that I was still causing my wife. The addict is afraid of change and facing those painful emotions. I wish the 12 step groups would get out of the dark ages and into the modern world. They serve a purpose in early recovery, but you outgrow it and move on to healthy living.
~JP
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