I have been on this journey of recovery for over a year now. I have a 12 step online support group that I attend weekly. My 12 step group has helped me develop healthy connections. The one aspect of the 12 step group that I didn’t understand was the surrendering. I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life surrendering lustful thoughts.
I wanted to be able to see people as people and not as objects. My CSAT understood that my addiction was connected to my childhood trauma. We worked hard to identify and resolve my childhood trauma that led to my poor coping skills and desire to lust. The result has been that I do not need to surrender any lustful thoughts because I do not have them now. My addiction was never about the porn or the objectification of women. My addiction was about my coping mechanism that I developed as a child. I no longer need or want that method of coping. My CSAT explained it as a thought which led to a feeling that led to my acting out. When I had a thought that I was “less than” because of negative self beliefs, this led to negative feelings. I then felt rejected and not good enough. This in turn led to my acting out as a means of coping with these feelings. So we went after the thought. (Negative beliefs, self-critic) The thought never happens so it never goes any further. The trigger was not the porn or the woman that I objectified. The trigger happened long before that. I don’t have to surrender because I have resolved the past. I am living a healthier life and I am fully connected to my wife.