Connections

By JP

I am not alone nor will I ever be. My journey through recovery has showed me that the opposite of addiction is connection. I chose to isolate myself a long time ago when I was a child. I developed a false belief that I was alone and I could never ask for help. I developed a false belief that asking for help was a sign of weakness. A year ago I found myself alone in a crowded world.

My addiction kept me in a place of shame and isolation. I was 50 years old and had no close friends or anyone that I could turn to for help. My addiction had traumatized my wife and I felt hopeless and lost. I turned to my church pastors and they prayed for me, but never followed up to see how I was doing. I needed help and I couldn’t find it. There were no SA groups within driving distance. I tried CR and they wanted to me to come and have dinner, then church, and hours later we could break out into small groups. When I explained that I was a sex addict and I needed help they never replied back to my email. Despite her trauma, my wife kept looking and found SALifeline. They had an online 12 step meeting. I started attending the online meetings the first week in August 2019. It was one of the hardest things that I have ever done. I didn’t know what to expect. In that first meeting I realized that I was not alone. There were other men who struggled with the same addiction. This has become part of my weekly routine now. I have only missed 2 weeks in almost a year. We are connected by our common addiction and by the trauma that we have caused our spouses. This first step has opened the door to my seeking out healthy connections with other men. I have connected with another man at my job and he invited me to his church men’s group. I was surrounded by men and I felt like I belonged. I have started attending a biweekly men’s group facilitated by my CSAT. I am not alone on this journey. I am able to have healthy connections in my life now.