A year ago I did not have the ability to forgive myself. I hated myself and the awful things that I had done. I finally saw the price that my addiction had cost. It was in the pain and trauma that I put my wife through. I finally got the bill for my addiction and my wife had to pay it. How could I ever be forgiven for what I had done? There was not enough pain and punishment for my sin.
I was stuck in my shame and anger. One Sunday while listening to an Andy Stanley podcast it finally clicked. Who was I to deny myself forgiveness? Christ went to the cross and died for our sins so that we may be forgiven. So what gave me the right to put myself on the same level as God? I had to put my arrogance and pride aside. I was carrying around my addiction like a dead body and it was starting to stink. I was afraid if I let go of it I would forget it. I was wrong. Forgiveness was me dropping that dead weight so that I could face it and move forward. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that my addiction is forgotten. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that we move on and forget the past. Forgiving myself means that I own what I did and make restitution to my wife.